broken....

I need You, my Lord....




"grace, like water, flows to the lowest part" (Philip Yancey)

start it over again

its so long not writing here.... and i have to admit it was because my relationship with God turned so bad lately. so, its impossible for me to write something here, it'll be considered as hypocrite then, when talking/writing about God without experiencing Him....

so... i'll start it over again....

need a lot of prayers......

"grace, like water, flows to the lowest part" (Philip Yancey)

Beethoven's Symphony No. 9

Mr. Stephen Tong is the first person who made me fall in love with classic music at d age of 19 y.o. but im a listener only. cant sing. cant play any instrument. sooo... i thank God for Mr. Tong's desire to introduce the beauty of classic music to nonexpert like me.

these last two days im so enjoying Beethoven, esp. Symphony No. 9, d finale....

aaaahhhh..... i looooooooooooveeeeeeeeeeeee it. genius, brilliant, something that almost impossibe to be reproduced, a masterpiece, d finest one....!!!

silence

after Seoul's trip, i have to admit that my relationship with God was bad. its always the same, me the one who used the space for myself as reason... with snotty thought that i deserved it :(

i dont know either, its kinda protest or what, i felt a lil bit dissapointed for something. i need time to ponder and to accept it. i keep all the things on my mind, tried hard for not complaining to others, but to God. I didnt do Bible Study for almost two weeks now, I didnt pray regularly as i used to do. I tried to get the true understanding of my situation... but with my way... which was an impossibly frustated failure for sure....


it was breaking my heart into pieces, i admit, for seeing some people are just so lucky, born in wealthy family, never known what suffering is, good looking, well educated, some of them popular, but full of complaints and childish but in the end they easily got what they want. And the fact that i struggled so much in my every step, tried my best for not complaining, ponder my every path, sacrificed so many things for others, and only few things that i really want in my life then found out God didnt give them to me. I tried really really hard to cherish everything....really....


I know His gently love understands what i felt. I know it broke His heart as well seeing me stayed away from Him, coz He knows i can do nothing without Him. 


be patient to me, God....

"grace, like water, flows to the lowest part" (Philip Yancey)

2n Day in Seoul: When Outer Beauty is Just Too Much

I am so far away from perfect, both inner and moreover outer, so this maybe sound like a judgement for some people, but I need to write it.


As we are not perfect, so it's a common thing when we try hard to fix everything up in our lives. That's a must. But since not all of things are important and heaven-valued, so it needs wisdom and humility for having right focus of improvement.


Thats the theme of my mind during my 2 days in Seoul. Having traveled to many countries, I never, I say once again never ever, seen an adoration of beauty as much as here. If u go to downtown, u can find beauty shops rows like u can't count them. Moreover u can easily find plastic surgery clinics everywhere. I saw many plastic surgery advertisement in subway. Have u felt like something is just too much in the extent u even want to vomit because of it?? It's exactly what I felt.


I've read Philip Yancey and Dr. Paul Brand's books (Fearfully and Wonderfully Made & In His Image), both have brought me into full respect of my physical body. I give respect to my body in two ways: first, by having a healthy lifestyle and second, by thanking God for He made me the way I am. I truly believe in my imperfection of outer beauty in the eyes of men, God has perfect plan. So, I am the one who extremely against plastic surgery (for medical purpose is the exception).


This small nose, chubby cheeks, petite posture, name all my imperfections, I may complain, and sometimes wish God gives me better, but I know exactly I have no right to change them. They are given. They are purposed for something bigger than the eyes may see. Instead of worry about my nose, I rather worry why i couldnt smell my stinky motives - my insincerity. Instead of worry about my chubby face, I rather worry about why my face had less smile to my neighbors lately. Instead of worry about my petite posture, I rather worry about how small my love have been shared.


Imperfection of outer beauty is absolutely needed...thus we can focus on another beauty. It needs humility to accept our can-be-seen-imperfection and need strong heart to continuously perfect the inner one.


I felt sad, bit angry, and pity seeing how hard these people pursue of outer beauty. Too much. Horrible.






Btw..... Did siwon undertake plastic surgery?? Hmmm....

KKR Jakarta 2011 - Kasih & Kehidupan ("Love & Life")

my church is now praying for this event. This year is the third : 1st was in 2003, 2nd was in 2008. As Mr. Stephen Tong now is on his 70s, it maybe the last time he lead the event, only Heaven knows. We pray for the people who will come, GBK's capacity is 100K, so 4 nights, we hope for about 400K people to come. AMEN. but its not about the quantity anyway, regardless the number of the participants, we pray the Gospel will fully reach their hearts :). 

Mr. Tong said, the cost for the event is abt. 3 billion Rupiah (USD330,000) means if only 100 people come, it costs abt USD3,300 per person to hear the Gospel and its OK, coz the Gospel is priceless!

So, Im on my knees for the next two months for this.... God, we beg You....

just daily things

a week from my Seoul trip. and im busy to death. i do rally of meetings all day long,  before d meeting i have to learn some technical knowledges and relate them to their economic values. then, after d meeting i have to prepare the administrative documents. Oh my.... its like eternal burden. haunted all week long.

So, i do nothing wif my trip's preparation! usually, before going to new place, i'll make some browsing and learning. but not now. juz go. and will see what happen then hohoho!!!

i skip some Bible Reading verses (in Leviticus) - its so hard part! will be back for sure when i have some idle time. i wont pass it coz im so interested in sooooo many rules that The Lord gave to Israel. Im so interested knowing if there are any symbolic things behind, what d real meaning of every rules, all of them. Others maybe find it boring, but i dont know its so interesting for me. I read them in a glance, but as i said for sure will be back for a deeper Bible study.

Btw.... havent found the next prayer (hehe thanks God, coz i have no time to write them here now :p).

I need a lot of prayers.... so many things are blowing on my mind rite now....need prayers....

All the Way My Savior Leads me

in my today's quiet time i opened my hymns book and chose one or two hymns to be sung for preparing myself into worship moment. and one of my choices was a hymn from Fanny J. Crosby. one of my most favourite hymn composers.

i sang it alone, with false voice - simply not beautiful in man's ears.

But every word hit my heart to the ground and showed me very clear that my life is all about "God is guiding". cheers every winding path I tread, gives me grace for every trial, feeds me with the living Bread, though my weary steps may falter and my soul athirst may be, gushing from the Rock before me, Lo! A spring of joy I see.

these days... i was pondering a lot about the words "I love You, God"

I've found that saying those words take all of my faith and courage. He's a jealous God. He will get rid of anything that possibly i love more than Him. so, i dont have any confidence to say it in these last days, i struggled a lot thinking how about if He takes someone or something that i love the most. And He did it.

so, today here i am... finally God let me know how deep my love is. and today, finally i can say confidently... I love You. nothing in this earth I love more than You.

Finding how God leads all my way and eternally loves me feels sooooooooooo GREAT. and say "I love You too" is another greatness. 

All the Way My Savior Leads Me - Fanny J. Crosby (1875)


All the way my Savior leads me,
What have I to ask beside?
Can I doubt His tender mercy,
Who through life has been my Guide?
Heav’nly peace, divinest comfort,
Here by faith in Him to dwell!
For I know, whate’er befall me,
Jesus doeth all things well;
For I know, whate’er befall me,
Jesus doeth all things well.

All the way my Savior leads me,
Cheers each winding path I tread,
Gives me grace for every trial,
Feeds me with the living Bread.
Though my weary steps may falter
And my soul athirst may be,
Gushing from the Rock before me,
Lo! A spring of joy I see;
Gushing from the Rock before me,
Lo! A spring of joy I see.

All the way my Savior leads me,
Oh, the fullness of His love!
Perfect rest to me is promised
In my Father’s house above.
When my spirit, clothed immortal,
Wings its flight to realms of day
This my song through endless ages:
Jesus led me all the way;
This my song through endless ages:
Jesus led me all the way.

deeper about miracle

i have to admit that im such as skeptic one if talking about miracle. Its not becoz i dont believe in miracle. i do, and sometimes when following my immaturity emotional valley... i do wish miracles happen in my life. I've posted  my thoughts about miracle before, read here). 

This post intends to understand deeper about miracle. and the reason why mature Christians should not much expect supernatural miracles happen in their life. 

I classify miracle into two categories:

1. Secondary miracles : we can see this category of miracles the most in Exodus,  four Books of Gospel, and Acts. Those show off of supernatural things are beyond awesome for us: 10 plagues for Egypt, dry ground in the middle of Red Sea, free daily breads and meals from heaven for 40 years, blind man be able to see, healed leprosy men, dead man alive, paralytic could walk, etc, etc. But why I classify those SUPER-natural miracles as secondary one? Lemme ask u, did all of those events had brought all the people who experienced them into salvation? the answer is NO.
2. Primary miracle : Faith. As a Calvinist, i truly believe that we receive salvation ONLY  through faith in Jesus Christ. and the faith is put by The Holy Spirit to someone's heart according to His authority and  will as stated: "I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and I will have compassion to whom I will have compassion" (Ex. 33: 19). This primary miracle will make your blind heart can see as well as your eyes. It not only arouses your body from death, it arouses your soul and spirit. It makes you live to eternity. All the people who have experienced thsi primary miracle for sure 100% will be saved.

So many people excited to see supernatural actions and events. So many people who call themselves God's servants are working hard to show the power of God through secondary miracles, without realizing the most powerful miracle is the Gospel - faith in Jesus Christ the Savior. It bring you out the hell. Even angels have a fest when someone's receiveing Jesus as his Savior.

All your love, your care, your smile, your un-noticed writings, your small speech of the Gospel, every little thing you do, in the purpose of represent God in this earth and been used by Holy Spirit to bring someone into faith... is a miracle. nothing bigger and more extraordinary than it. 

Thats why... in my opinion.... mature Christians should not much expect the secondary miracles. His grace is enough and all the life about. Thats why, even ones living in the slums they still can say "praise The Lord". thats faith. and thats miracle. so, once again i will say : if you consistently expected secondary miracles, the dramatic ones, its just like.... a pamperd Christian... a baby. sorry to say. please step forward.

"grace, like water, flows to the lowest part" (Philip Yancey)

my last words of Siwon

so,

I decided to delete all of my posts related to Siwon. I juz couldnt believe i got thousands visits only becoz of those posts. and took time for me to finally came into conclusion that they are nothing to do wif the first motive of this blog - which is a faith journey. I know i will get much less visits after doing that, but i prefer to see my blog is visited by less people who really want to learn more about Christ than by those who only search for their idols' info. sorry.

Moreover, i got some replies regarding those posts (esp. "Siwon & Rumors" post). some said its good one, some said that im wrong. as i said its my very personal opinion. but about d real fact, i only can say : only Heaven knows. someone said that Siwon/Stella are now doing things opposite to my opinion, like unfollowing each others on tweeter, then Siwon deleted his post of  Mr. Single (which proved they are in a relationship now). I have said in the post that my opinion is based on my belief on what Siwon by himself stated or said, otherwise he lied. if he did that, i think he doesnt deserve your "that much love". SIMPLY.

I care about him because of his faith. so, if he lied, honestly im a little bit dissapointed. but all of us do mistakes sometimes. i dont know. and i dont care anymore.

so please stop asking me my opinion about Siwon or Stella. and no more Siwon in this blog, so if u juz stop by to see Siwon's related post, dont come again.

thank you.

Prayer 3: Moses Prayed For God's Presence

[NKJV] Exodus 33: 12-23

Moses : "if I have found grace in Your sight, show me now Your way, that I may know You and that I may find grace in Your sight. And consider that this nation is Your people"

LORD : “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”

Moses : “If Your Presence does not go with us, do not bring us up from here. For how then will it be known that Your people and I have found grace in Your sight, except You go with us? So we shall be separate, Your people and I, from all the people who are upon the face of the earth.”

LORD : “I will also do this thing that you have spoken; for you have found grace in My sight, and I know you by name.” 

Moses : “Please, show me Your glory.”

LORD : "I will make all My goodness pass before you, and I will proclaim the name of the LORD before you. I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion. You cannot see My face; for no man shall see Me, and live.Here is a place by Me, and you shall stand on the rock. So it shall be, while My glory passes by, that I will put you in the cleft of the rock, and will cover you with My hand while I pass by. Then I will take away My hand, and you shall see My back; but My face shall not be seen"

Above conversation almost do give me such a mess in my understanding about prayer. It seems not only Israel people are a stiff-necked ones but the leader as well.

First, LORD has told Moses and Israel people that He wont go up in their midst, lest He'll consume them on the way, for they are a stiff-necked people, but LORD didnt leave them alone. He promised that He will send His Angel before them to lead their way and He Himself will drive out other nations from the promised-land.

It seems not enough for Moses. He asked LORD to do more than that. None in the Bible, experienced more supernatural phenomenons compared to Moses (except the Disciples who followed Jesus). some of the phenomenons are really SUPER. How could he even doubted the presence of LORD??

It took hours for me to step by step understand the message behind this passage. and i admit, i only can understand little bit.

I found LORD is so gentle and patient here. considering the previous passages about how Israel people made an golden calf and worshipped it, i think Moses really understood that those people didnt deserve any compassion of The LORD. and in my opinion, this is the reason behind his request. Moses knew, those people are not more than a group of grumblers. they have seen God's show of miracles. even for their daily meal is one of the show of God's miracle, mercy, and preservation. and still they grumbled and looked for other gods. Briefly, this nation has no difference with other nations, sometimes even worse. the only difference is as Moses stated in Ex. 33: 16, "If Your Presence does not go with us, do not bring us up from here. For how then will it be known that Your people and I have found grace in Your sight, except You go with us? So we shall be separate, Your people and I, from all the people who are upon the face of the earth.”

Moses understood so well... only because the LORD went with them, they could be differentiated and separate from all other nations, thats why when Lord said that He wont go with them, it seems impossible to continue the journey anymore. Its not about Moses doubted the LORD's presence, its about Moses freezed the LORD's absence.

What I understand about prayer : prayer is not a negotiation between us and God. Thats why at the beginning i said, this passage almost brought such a mess in my understanding. But, deeper i tried to understand, its not looked like to be. from the Moses' side, maybe looked like a negotiation, but the LORD patiently step-by-step direct Moses to understand His actions. In the end, The LORD finally gave Moses answer why He decided wont go up in their midst : there is no way they can stand in front of His holiness and glory. By sending His Angel go before those people, The LORD showed His patience to them and preserve them from havoc. Moreover, He find a way for Moses to see a tiny gleam of His glory to show him how fierce it is. So that, Moses will fully understand why those stiff-necked people wont survive if The LORD in d midst of them.

Things to be pondered:

1. Have we feared to be left by God? It seems we more often fear to be left by our beloved people or  precious things than by God. I wanna be able to see as Moses saw: whats make me different, whats make my faith journey possible to be lived, whats make me separate from the world => God is with me. Without Him, everything is impossible, thats why Moses really freezed.
2. Again, we can say ANYTHING in our prayers, God see our heart. Fearful heart of Moses pleased Him and He patiently directed Moses to understand. We can cry, we can shout, we can silent, we can say many words... just ask Him to show us His will and why. Sometimes we promptly understand, sometimes take time. All we need only a longing heart to please Him. I truly believe... it had pleased Him - regardless our failures to please Him....

Me    : tell me, God, a clearer vision for my mission, im a stiff-necked one...
God  : ......................................................................
Me    : Give me wisdom to understand
God  : .......................................................................
Me   : I will faithfully wait and see




"grace, like water, flows to the lowest part" (Philip Yancey)

keep me in d line, mein Gott...

i miss my college's small group... really... beautiful old days....

i miss Kak Al (now she's a missionary in Salomon Island), my very best friend, my sister, and my spiritual mother. i've talked a lot with her via SMS (the only way we can communicate) lately. but SMS were sooo limited to cover so many things i need to talk about. I've tried to call her many times, but never reached her. what hell happened wif Indonesia- Solomon Island line???!!

I plan to visit her next year or early 2013. besides missing her, i wanna see her mission field, one of d remotest area in d world. its closely related to my personal calling. i need to see in real d mission itself, n prepare myself for my own mission. and maybe... still maybe... it will be d time for me to decide where to go. God... i know it will take all of my courage, spirit, bravery, and faith. i hope in that day im gonna be the one who stands firm and faithfully says "Yes, My Master".

Going around the world is my dream. living that dream 'till today. and one day, im gonna stop at somewhere in d corner of this earth and live another dream - heavenly dream. Oh God.... You know how much i just wanna be an ordinary one with simpler thoughts and dreams........

bitte...bitte, heilen mein Herz, Gott....:'(

its so painful to fall in love again... esp. knowing it wont work in the end....
so.....bitte...bitte, heilen mein Herz, Gott....:'(


bitte...bitte... bitte... mein Gott.....

my morning...

every morning i have some rituals... its like Nadal's butt >left hair>rite hair>nose before serving - will drive my today's bad or good mood hahaha

im not talking about prayer n quiet time. its a must. the whole ritual will be a waste without it. so, its about other things...

coffee and me...

i love...love...love coffee. and drinking coffee in the morning is an art for me. and usually, i drink coffee only once a day considering health reason. few particular brands only, and have to do it with...

backstreet boys and me...

as i always say, im a BSB's girl. i love their musics, i love their passion, their dedication, and the way they sing lively - no lipsync! i have 1 MP3 Player contains only BSB's songs and my ipod 75% BSB's as well :D. i always drink my coffee together with BSB's songs. 

i know, thats so simple things. but for me thats lovely. i only have my me time at very early in the morning or very late in the evening (mostly wif very tired condition), so i thank God for giving me such simple things to be loved. so, simply, i only need God, coffee and Backstreet Boys in the morning to get ready for the whole day. and i feel its enough, so for the rest of the day i dont need anymore me time and try to think others first.

I love You, God!!!

God regretted....?

Both yesterday's Bible Reading and today's Sunday Service have brought me into a very deep thought, something I never noticed or care about in the past.

my Bible reading was stuck on this passages: 

[NKJV] Exodus 4: 24-26, and it came to pass on the way, at the encampment, that the LORD met him and sought to kill him. Then Zipporah took a sharp stone and cut off the foreskin of her son and cast it at Moses' feet, and said, “Surely you are a husband of blood to me!” So He let him go. Then she said, “You are a husband of blood!”—because of the circumcision. 

Note: both NKJV and Indonesian versions and some other versions, inserted the name of Moses to refer to the word of "him/his", but the original script doesnt reveal any name. It could possibly Moses, Gershom or Eliezer (both are sons of Moses)

why God sought to kill him?? the answer of "why", i think a little bit clearer when reading the whole passages of Ex. 4:24-26. God let him (Moses, Gershom or Eliezer??) go after Zipporah circumcised her son and cast it at his feet. circumcision. thats the problem. circumcision is the sign of covenant between God and Abraham. and Genesis 17:14 says "and the uncircumcised male child, who is not circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin, that person shall be cut off from his people; he has broken My covenant." as Moses was grown up in Egypt family, so maybe he neglegted to perform it for his son in the first place. and "that person who is not circumcised shall be cut off". come to this point, i still can understand. BUT...the LORD that changed His mind is the main idea that i think a lot!

Then today, at Sunday Service, that i thank God for let me attend it, my pastor discussed about a very deep topic: what is the meaning of "God regretted..."? Regret is a word that related to something negative in the past, something we couldnt accomplish, something didnt match to our wishes, something was out of our control, so we felt bad about it. how come if the One that we call God, regretted something??? does it mean He has limitation in knowing the future, there is something out of His control???  if yes, He is not God then. my pastor exposed two descriptions to explain the meaning of "God regretted", which personally i agree about:

FIRST, the word regret is a man's word to describe God's feeling. Ref. Genesis 6:6, The LORD regretted that he had made human beings on the earth, and his heart was deeply troubled. We have no perfect word to describe how grieved his heart, how deep his sorrow for us, its similar to a man's regret. we regret because there's nothing we can do with the past and now we endure the consequence of it. God regrets because He knows where our sins will bring us...and we impossible can endure it.

SECOND, the word regret is a way to describe the different exposure of natures of God. God is love. God is good. but God is also just, He is holy. He forgives men. He also judges them. Those natures impossible collide each other. when God turned from exposing His justice and condemnation to exposing his forgiveness to Nineveh, a man's word describe it as regret. To this point, i found the intersection between my Bible reading with Sunday service discussion. It is not God changed or be different. He is the same God whose destroyed Sodom and forgave Nineveh. But there are some times, He showed us He turned his condemnation into forgiveness, He turned from exposing His justice to exposing His love. our limited word calls it regret.

Knowing the natures of God and knowing myself have brought me to think about His justice faces my faults, His holiness faces my sins, His love faces my betrayals. How many times God has turned from exposing His justice and condemnation to exposing His love and forgiveness upon me??? many, many! Fiuuh... how hard exactly to handle me, God...?

I am so sorry, Lord... its a regret...and maybe i will make it again in the future...

thank You for loving me this far...

Prayer 2: Jacob's Fearful Prayer

[NKJV] Gen. 32: 9-12, "Then Jacob said, “O God of my father Abraham and God of my father Isaac, the LORD who said to me, ‘Return to your country and to your family, and I will deal well with you’:¹⁰ I am not worthy of the least of all the mercies and of all the truth which You have shown Your servant; for I crossed over this Jordan with my staff, and now I have become two companies. ¹¹ Deliver me, I pray, from the hand of my brother, from the hand of Esau; for I fear him, lest he come and attack me and the mother with the children. ¹² For You said, ‘I will surely treat you well, and make your descendants as the sand of the sea, which cannot be numbered for multitude.’” 

Jacob, then will be called Israel - the name of chosen nation, before these passages, we know him better as a liar and cunning one. He deceived both his father and his brother. if we think about an example figure of the Bible, we maybe less think about Jacob. This man is just like most of us. selfish, liar, doubter, coward. Then, in this man, we clearly see the meaning of grace and how He perfectly used an imperfect one for His perfect plan. 

Jacob's prayer was under one circumtance: fear. more specific, fear of a mistake's concequence. He was afraid Esau stil hold revenge to him for he deceived Esau in the past. This prayer, somehow amazed me....

First, when Jacob said, “O God of my father Abraham and God of my father Isaac", maybe it seems ordinary for us, but pls be noted than for years Jacob had lived in Laban's house. Though Laban has same pedigree with Jacob, but Laban is not a God's worshipper, he worshipped other gods (Gen. 31: 30). Living 20 years in an idolater's house, in fact had never shaken Jacob's faith to his grandfather's and father's God. He knew to whom he must hail. Our now world, is just like Laban's house. our world idolize many things but God. money. outer beauty. career. prestige. talents. (thats why we look at some public figures so high coz we find those things on them). then we fail to identify our true need in God. when we fear of something, we think that money, beauty, career, prestige, or talent can solve it. in a very steady statement, this man, Jacob, be able to identify his very need of God in his fear. the only true God, God of his grandfather Abraham and his father Isaac. Jacob fear of his fault's concequence, and knew the only one who can release him from the sin's concequence and penalty is God.

Second, when Jacob said, "The LORD who said to me..." and "For You said..." show us the basis of this prayer: God's promises. God's words. Jacob knew the only one thing that he could rely on is God's promises. He knew that regardless of his fault and limitation, God's promises stand firm, and for sure will be fulfilled. no matter what. why sometimes we feel that our prayers are useless and no meaning? because many times, our prayers' basis is not His promises, but only based on our own hearts' desires as we fail to syncronize our will to His words. and when we rely on something else but His promises, then we find its so unstable. no wonder, our prayers have no meaning for us.

Third, when Jacob said, "I am not worthy of the least of all the mercies and of all the truth which You have shown Your servant", he was confirming his faults and mistakes, and confirming God's grace and mercy in his life. A prayer is the confirmation of God's grace and mercy. the Perfect One whose allows the sinners to approach His holiness. forgetting it will make us easy to surrender our prayer time, coz we think its cheap thing. 

Fourth, when Jacob said, "Deliver me, I pray... for I fear him." shows us Jacob's honesty to God. God wants us to be honest in our prayers as Jacob did. When we are honest to God, we let Him freely do whatever best for us, more than we can do for ourselves. I dont need pretending strong in front of Him. im a wrecked, a weak, a coward, He knows. what He wants is that I know it as well, and tell Him.

Lookin at his prayer, I know why the next days, God accomplished everything for him.

falling, no problem!

laughing at IHSG's (Indonesia's Stock Index) falling... got me some loss, actually the biggest loss i've experienced so far. but, i just have no worry. gain or loss only a glance of life's dinamic. as i said many times, money never bring me down, vise versa never bring me high.

got much frustation becoz of my new job. its a mess. hope my presence can bring good things. started for not complaining and do the best i can. its so damn hard though! INDEED! tsshh...what a mess (last complaint! lol)

still continuing my Bible reading n study of prayers, but havent found the second prayer in the Bible so far. thank God, i can manage to wake up very early in the morning to pray n read d Bible, so in d middle of my frustation i have a place to put my heart in peace :). and its good to know that my spiritual life's indeed my priority now :). in d past, many times i sacrificed my prayers for works.

thank You, Lord.

Prayer 1 : Abraham Intercedes for Sodom

[NKJV] Genesis 18: 16-33

It is a little bit hard to decide which one the first prayer in the Bible. when i was googling, many results said it is Genesis 3 when Adam & Eve talked to God - considering that the prayer is a conversation with God. But then I decided that the prayers i want to explore are the explicit ones, an intentional prayers, when a figure or nation intentionally came to the presence of God and talk with Him. So, I left Gen. 3. In my opinion, Genesis 18: 16-33, when Abraham intercedes for Sodom is the first explisit prayer stated in the Bible.

Abraham - a huge figure in the Bible, before this passage we see how he followed God's words and promise faithfully. But, it doesnt mean Abraham is flawless. he did some mistakes, like all of us. thats a relief! However, the mistakes he had done is not because he doubted God's promises but because he tried to make the promises done by his own ways. God told him about a promised land, he believed and went. but he afraid of his security regarding his very beautiful wife, so he lied. God told him about a promised son, he believed and wait. but he afraid regarding his age, so he took another woman for giving birth of his son. 

imo, Abraham's intercession for Sodom has two big issues:

FIRST, It is not a negotiation request! Many people think about negotiation when Abraham was asking God, "Suppose there were fifty... forty... forty five... thirty... twenty... and finally ten righteous within the city, would You also destroy the place?". The questions were the way Abraham trying to understand God's decision of destroying Sodom. In the end, Abraham finally understood why God decided to destroy Sodom, moreover Abraham was fully satisfied by who God is. God is faithful and fair.

SECOND, The main reason for his intercession is not his nephew - Lot! As Lot was living in Sodom, it was natural and normal if Abraham worried and was sad knowing God would destroy Sodom. But, this is Abraham's saying: “Would You also destroy the righteous with the wicked? Suppose there were fifty righteous within the city; would You also destroy the place and not spare it for the fifty righteous that were in it? Far be it from You to do such a thing as this, to slay the righteous with the wicked, so that the righteous should be as the wicked; far be it from You! Shall not the Judge of all the earth do right?” (Gen. 18: 23-25). It is God's reputation he's worried about. For Abraham, His God must be glorified  regardless the situation.

Abraham's prayer brings my understanding one step forward. I can cry, shout, complaint, angry, or even just silent in my prayers. God is very flexible about it. as long as in prayers, we sincerely put our hearts to understand His ways and decisions. He is our Master, ofc His decision is the best for us, should our prayers are not intended to change it, but to understand it :)

In my prayers these last months, i always ask Him to guide my way and bless my works - so then, i dont embarrass His name. I hope its a sincere prayer - im trying hard - not for my own comfort but its because i really want to glorfy His name through my life regardless the situation. 'coz should it the only one reason of our lives: solideo gloria.

just if....

sometimes... i really want that God gives me supernatural vision when im looking for direction. and i wish i have a doubtless faith toward His will and plan in my life. in fact, in some cases i even couldnt see a very logical sign as "a sign" so maybe there is no way that i can believe d supernatural one :p. and not only doubt about His will and plan, sometimes i even doubt about His words (mostly about d meaning of them). i admit, sometimes it feels kinda tiring....

btw... havent found any prayer yet in my Bible Reading hehehe (i re-read from Genesis).

#justsayingnotcomplaining

# Prayers in the Bible

following my struggle, my confusion, and also my deepest need of praying, i will study and explore all prayers in the Bible. it gonna be long study since it'll in line w/ my one-year Bible reading. so, every time I find a prayer in certain verses, i'll stop and explore. will go in that way for a year.


will post evry exploration. need critics and comments. so please kindly give me feedback :)

-the lonely path-

this path is so quiet, really. I just realized why many people, even the faithful ones, ignore to go to this path. its so so quiet. I have a lot of companion in my ways, except this one. no need to mention companion for fun, i have tons. still i have many for some serious ways, when starting investment there are many people excited and to be invited to talk about it. when starting ministry for children some people available to be shared and discussed. even when starting sewing course, i am not alone! BUT, i did investment, children ministry, or sewing practise for one reason: my personal calling. in this point, none is there to be companion.

i know, its so hard to be imagined - even by myself, going to any earth's remotest area, caring strangers' lives, and dying for urself - for me means leaving my gym, tennis, soccer and movie addiction, leaving my comfort apartment, and this is maybe the hardest one: leaving my skin care stuffs (i love my skin btw, and i treat it very well :D). and, the additional challenge is: maybe im gonna go alone.

it feels so lonely. hard to be understood why i chose this way. only grace i think. and but i truly believe i'll reach the final line with no regret one day. still... it feels so lonely - and i think its a good thing, so im used to talk to God every time, coz only Him available, and thats more than enough. I have my heart's retreat every day, when i stop on my way...looking for companion, and mostly found no one, then seeing God is always there. Then, we, God and I, share a secret. the beauty of the path. the beauty of personal calling. and its just awesome.

-fixin' broken heart-

why God allowed us to pass some hardships, problems, even fallings in our life? first, to bring us into faith maturity - so our joy isnt depended on His blessings only, but much more on His will and purpose to us. But, another reason isnt less important, which is to give us provision to help others with the same struggle in the future.


yesterday, one of my very best friends experienced a broken heart. i think it was a very bad one. and believe or not, i've known its gonna happen. i dunno, im a kinda expert in "forecasting" other's love stories (but NOT if its mine!!! lol), and most of my feelings about other's love relationships are true. so, since months ago... its like "waiting for d bomb blasts". and it was yesterday.


Having an experience of a bad ending of love story (i say bad, because not all love story's endings are bad ones, some of them are good goodbye, where both even can stay as friends) - helps me to help my friend fixing her broken heart. I know how it feels, but more important i know how to rise again. and of course have to pray hard for her as i know its so difficult to pray by yourself when experiencing this kind of situation.


Im so sorry for her... but i believe one day she'll give thanks for it. because what God allows us to pass through not less than the best ^^

I love HK ^^

HKIA... have to say goodbye to one of my most favorite city in d world (I think I love HK more than IBK hahaha). had a very good time these last 5 days ^^!!!

~ sewing ~

wow! its the longest time im not writing in this blog! first, because i have no idea, then when d idea came, my office things went crazy, so... i just had time to write d 140 characters daily a.k.a twitter's TL hahahaha LoL.

I have small thing to share rite now. few weeks ago, i've told in one of my post that i've learned something extremely new and have no talent at all in that field. in a very simple word, the thing that i've learned is SEWING.   Yes, sewing. all process. drawing design, choosing material, cutting, sewing. all by myself. so far, i've made 2 clothes ^^. anybody whose know me, must be shocked as they really understand i have no talent at all in any kind of art!! Without talent, i have to give much more harder effort than one who has. and thats no problem. it only means that i need to practise more, learn more, and go to bed later than anyone. in hardworking zone,  talents take a bow.

the idea of learning that skill came when i was thinking a lot about my personal calling. something really close to what i believe about missionary. missionary is about love. love to God : to glorify His name. love to others: to care their life.  care his body and soul. its impossible u care about where he's going to go after death but not care where he's going to stay n what to eat today! thats why imo missionary has to have both sides, physical support and spiritual support. thinking about physical support i know my limitation. im not Bill Gates who has money w/o serial numbers (lol), so it doesnt make sense for me to regularly support others financially. things that i can share (besides the Gospel ofc) are skills. my skills? almost null, lol! so now, im learning some most potential skills, master them and ofc prove to make money from them. later, i can share the skills to others to give them opportunity making money to support their life. at least i've tried really hard for one skill now. will try harder in the future. to be honest, im satisfied w/ my progress so far :)

Thinking a lot about my personal calling has brought me into new perspective of d way im seeing my life. how boring a selfish life. how beautiful a self-dying life. sometimes we think that when we care others, we make them happy, in fact when we sincerely care others, we are happy. thats a paradox of life. as i know my sin-seeking nature, so the only one thing that make paradox of life possible is the love that i've shown in Calvary. aahh... really, Calvary... couldnt turn my eyes from it. all reasons for this life-worthy are there. i can even trace my sewing  learning to Calvary :)

I love You. this super tiny micro love. make it bigger day by day. 

:(((((((((((((((((((((((((

SOOOOORRRYYYY for not updating so loooonggg... 


im hell soooo busy, esp in office. couldnt breathe :((((((

-living in d valley-

We can classify valleys of life into two categories: physical and spiritual - like any other things in this world. And  i've experienced both of them. When I was in 2nd grade of Junior High School, my dad's business got into lowest level and finally we lost everything, inluding house, car, etc (plus with a huge amount of debt). We moved to another city, but had no home. so we temporarily stayed in a small hostel. a very small room, five people together. the hostel's owner is a kind family, so they allowed us to pay daily, weekly, monthly - just whenever my dad had money. we ate twice or sometimes once in a day. we lived that way for about 4 months, then my mom sent me & my brother to my grandma's house. My spiritual valley... i've written many times in this blog - how eros has driven me to live sooo faaaar away from God. that was really a falling.

Two valleys. nothing less than good things.

Being in physical valley has teach me to keep a simple life. money... never brought me down. never. big or small income, i tried to share it w/ others in many ways. i never put my pride on any luxurious goods. i just dont have a heart to do that. I know exactly how it feels living in poverty and it was just nothing. BUT, anytime i see people in the slums, i cant help myself not getting so sad about them. I wasnt so sad when i was experiencing it, but why im so sad seeing others experiencing it??!

Being in spiritual valley has teach me to stop judging others and opened my fake religious mask. It teach me no matter how deep you've fallen, His grace never failed to reach you out of the valley. He never given up me. My valley gave me the true understanding of forgiveness, mercy, and grace... and that makes me living my life to the fullest now.

Dont afraid of the valleys... many times, they are such a blessing. and imo... valley is one of the most frequent way used by God to bring us into maturity of faith. every falling gives some pain, but it also shows us how we can stand up again, how to heal d pain, and most important... how we can help others who experiencing it.

Really. God never failed to amaze me...^_^

Love >< Pride

It amazed me these last days when i noticed that love which described by I Cor. 13: 4-7, has 100% contrast nature with pride. ALL (I said, ALL) of "NO" things in describing love are closely related to PRIDE!


It says NO to envy  - [A feeling of discontent and resentment aroused by and in conjunction with desire for the possessions or qualities of another]. Envy hints one's need of having the best/the most in everything.  It doesnt allow one to let others have anything more/better than him.
It says NO to boast - [Talk in a self-admiring way; To speak of with excessive pride]. Boast hints the need of other's admiration and compliment. It deliberately creates a situasion beyond the reality.
It says NO to proud - [Showing excessive self-esteem]. Proud hints the need of other's recognation. It overvalues one's feeling about himself.
It says NO to dishonoring others - [To bring shame or disgrace upon others; To treat in a disrespectful or demeaning manner]. Dishonoring others hints the thought of others less than him/her. It places humanity in a very low level.
It say NO to self-seeking - [Pursuing only one's own ends or interests; Exhibiting concern only with promoting one's own ends or interests]. Self-seeking hints one's disability in seeing others as important as himself. It kills concience.
It says NO to (easily) angry - [A strong feeling of displeasure or hostility, imply intense, explosive, often destructive emotion]. (Easily) angry hints the reluctance to handle problems with humility. It brings the idea of anger as the existance of power.
It says NO to record of wrong - [To set down other’s wrong for preservation in permanent]. Record of wrong hints one's disability to let go his right to punish. It sets judgements all the way.


Its so obvious, there is no place for pride in love. Loving means self-dying. only that way....

idea................... pheeww.........

people...

if you noticed, my posts nowadays arent as regular as usual. It makes me sad as well, I really love to share idea w/ others through writings. i admit, lack of idea is the main problem. Last days, its so hard to dig some interesting topic to be writen. my very busy schedule is another, but... even im very busy, if I have an idea, i'll find out a way to have a time to write them down... so maybe, d lack of idea is the only matter.

sometimes, i browse over the internet to search idea. I often do it in the past. and sometimes get it. but nowadays.... seems so hard :'(. sooo... i think temporary... i will just translate some posts on my FS and Bahasa blogs. I think 2 or 3 of them are really good ones.

so sorry if some of you who regularly visited my blog and dissapointed for didnt find any update ('coz sometimes i feel the same when a web that i regularly visited doesnt update in long time :D). i hope i'll back on track asap!!! ^^

my FS blog!

OMG!!! my Friendster blog is BACK!!! I dont know how it can be happened, but i just got notification in my email that there was a new comment in my FS Blog! I was shocking coz i thought FS' admin already deleted all blogs! Very excited!

My FS blog is my first blog and i think the most honest one in term of telling my personal life. Its the place for blabbing, hehe.... and the witness of my on-off tragical long love relationship :p.

here is d link: http://danamaharani.blog.friendster.com/

some posts in English, some in Bahasa, and there were small parts in German.

I'll translate some posts in think here :))

(*_*")

i think im in negative feeling rite now. today im so easy being angry about anything. and maybe i've hurted others with my words for they did something wrong. cant help it. im so sorry....

tomorrow... i will make one big step for my future and for (i think) my personal calling. i know i need a lot of prayers, but dont know why these two days were bit hard to pray solemnly. too much thoughts, so complicated *_*

i remember that i have 2 promises: to share my newest learning progress and Yogya trip in this blog. I'll do Yogya trip tomorrow, but for my learning, I think I need more time :p.

My negative aura.... pls go!